Tuesday, August 10, 2010


(Perspective: XenitH)

So, it has been a while since a clear update on the happenings of the last few months. Needless to say this is due to the massive things taking place in our lives recently. I will do my best to keep this short and sweet, while still including enough details to show the insanity that is our life at this point.

We have officially run into the major difficulty of non-monogamy, and that is a lack of time in each day, and number of days in a week. Jealousy is no longer a real issue in our relationship at all, and ironically enough I am still having a hard time getting used to that and just going forth when I get the “green light” from my wife.
Yes I did say my wife, as I am unsure if we have updated our readers to the fact that we are now married. Being strong opponents of marriage individually, for some odd reason we have been entertaining the idea for a long time. As I am sure you would all agree, our marriage is far from the usual, thus we feel more secure this will last a lifetime.
For clarity sake, I am going to use a lot of names but once again we have changed them all for privacy sake. Hold onto your hats. You are in for a bumpy ride!
Lilith has been quite busy as of late. Due to her stunning good looks, charm, huge heart, and intimidating intellect there are a few notable and well respected males that have taken huge interest in her. Though we went into this with the agreement to date together, we have dropped that wall down as we feel we no longer need it for a sense of security. Through the dating site OKCupid, I met an older woman named Dawn, whom had my interest very strongly for a few months. She is married to a gentleman near her age, Tom. The have a beautiful daughter whom is full of life and vitality. They are a stable and loving couple (conscious, vegetarian and geeky at that), and I was very excited to finally meet her in person after getting to know her a bit and crushing for a few months. Due to the nearly two hours drive-time between us, it took a while to pick a night we could all get together.
When we met, ironically all four of us really hit it off, Lilith connecting with Tom and myself with Dawn. Everything seemed fantastic for a while, until a few dates later. Due to clashing personality traits, Dawn and I did not work out at all, but Lilith and Tom got very serious very quickly. They are a fantastic match, being conscientious vegetarians and nature lovers. They stimulate each other intellectually as well, which is essential for Lilith. He treats her very kindly, and much to their dismay I have dubbed him with the nickname of “Prince”. They are now officially girlfriend and boyfriend, and I am very happy for them! There has been some drama lately due to the fact that Dawn and I don’t get along very well, but that may be a post for another time.
We have been getting a lot of attention and respect from a local kink family in Phoenix, from which we are growing monumental amounts sexually and as individuals. These folks are sort of the best-of-the-best individuals active in the scene in Arizona. That is if you respect a large but highly exclusive group of very kinky and often stunningly attractive people. Nick is the founder of this group, and one of the main organizers for Arizona’s huge kink-events, Fetish Heat/Revolutions which takes place 3-6 times a year. Speaking of Nick, being the dominant alpha male of the group and having great aesthetic taste, he has been chasing Lilith for a while now. She was considering taking formal training from him to sharpen her Dominant skills, but this may not come to light. She is still getting herself established in the group as a Dominant woman, but a lot of the Dominant males in the group mistake her for a submissive, and treat her accordingly. It is endlessly frustrating to her, but also a good opportunity for growth. They have been sexual a little bit, but are not very compatible in that department. We have been spending a lot of time on the weekends with this wonderful tight-knit group, and made a lot of great friends and potential partners thanks to Nick.
Through this group another Dominant alpha-male has been expressing keen interest in Lilith. Bobby is very kind, and highly active as of recently in the scene. He and his girlfriend started a news website of sorts for the kink community. It is a fantastic resource for others that wish to learn more about what is going on in Arizona, as well as a resource for helpful “How To”s. He and his girlfriend Jennie have worked with Lilith and me for a few projects so far, and we are excited for the next major fetish event when we can share a hotel room together for the after-party. They do a lot of fire-play, and we have had the pleasure of experiencing it with them a few times. Lilith and he get along great, and they have been teaching us a lot about how to better establish ourselves. Jennie and I have also hit it off a bit, and I will discuss this more a little later.
Yet another dominant male expressing interest! Like the others, Sam has great taste in woman, and has several pets and submissive women under him. He also has his own great circle of kinky folks in the Valley. He is very intelligent, ambitious, and more conscious then most all the other folks in the group. Needless to say Lilith and he are getting along very well. Just a few nights ago we spent another night with him and some of his pets and had a great time. Lilith and he have also connected sexually a little, but we are being cautious as there is some tension between him and his subs, and him and some of the other Doms in our group.
This is where I clarify that we are not promiscuous. Sure, we do cuddle with, kiss, and even do some fun touching and kink activities with these and other individuals. Though we are very picky and take our time to connect with others physically, and word is finally getting around that we do not put-out. We are polyamorous, thus we value most compatibility and emotional connections, much more then strictly hedonistic acts. How we have established our consent system is different then most couples, as though she is my Dominant and me her sub, we both have equal say in anything involving other people. This is another confusing point for this group, as most of them are swingers or Poly Sexual, and have more traditional styles of consent within the BDSM community (Dom does what they want within reason, sub needs to ask for permission for everything).
As you can see, Lilith is having fantastic luck with her partners/potentials and it is very exciting. I find myself feeling compersion for her all the time, and it is really bringing us closer. I trust every one of these individuals very much so, and take comfort in her having other people around that will take care of her and watch out for her. We have a wonderful safety net surrounding us anytime we go out, and it is wonderful to mingle freely, even separately and know all is well. No one has pushed our boundaries once they understand them, and we have always been safe. Lilith is learning how healing healthy sexual activities and relationships truly can be, and her strength shows clearly.
I on the other hand, have had a bumpy road. As alluded, Dawn and I did not work out at all, much to all of our surprise. It hurt a bit, but considering how Lilith and her husband’s relationship is forming, we need to get on level ground at least. A task that is not easy I can tell you! Word of advice to all, do your BEST to make sure all parties get along wonderfully before feelings start getting serious. Otherwise you may find yourself experiencing a lot of the crap we are going through presently.
Jennie (Bobby’s girlfriend) is a very lovely nerdy chick, and she is a fantastic cuddle-buddy! I have spent a lot of time with her, and my feelings are growing for her. I am not super sexually attracted to her, but that doesn’t hold me back too much. She is not exactly the type of woman I am looking for presently, but the great thing about Polyamory is you don’t have to find EVERYTHING you want in a single person. Manage your time right, and you can get everything you ever wanted and more, a little from each person. She is very engaging and fun to be around, and I love being close to her. Lately she and Bobby have made some changes in their dynamic, so there are a few bumps on that end. It doesn’t look like it will be too detrimental though, so all is well for the most part.
Another couple in the group we are involved in has expressed interest in us as well. The male has not been very successful in courting either of us (yes, he is working on both of us), but I have done a few fun scenes with his girlfriend Krista. Yet again she is not exactly what I am looking for, but she has a very intoxicating sexual energy about her. Ironically she is a devout Christian, and goes to church every Sunday to confess her sins… I kid you not. I don’t feel too bad, as for the most part it is her and him that are aggressively pursuing me/us to play. I have had a few hot and steamy situations with her, which I find very delightful. We are very kissy and have a lot of fun together, and I find myself being more Dominant around her. She is just so much fun to torture! It helps me work past my high standards physically to fell sexually attracted to someone I never thought I would.
This has helped me connected with another wonderful woman as well. Six is a very sexy and intriguing woman whom is highly talented and creative. She has recently been organizing kink events her self, which I find to be amazing. She is a master in many crafts, such as needle play and scalpel work. Two interests Lilith and I are developing more of an interest in thanks to her. She also works graveyard, is very affectionate/cuddly, and has a lot of depth. We have many similar views, and she is vegetarian similar to us (we are vegan, not sure if this has been mentioned yet). Though it has been briefly each time, she and I have shared a few intense moments. Again she is not my ideal body-type, but she has so much more going for her that I look right past it. I am a sucker for cuddles, what can I say? We are highly compatible. I do hope this connection we share continues to grow!
Carol is a long-standing submissive swinging woman that is part of the original group from almost a year ago. Her Dominant (now Master, as they recently had a collaring ceremony at the last party!) is a really fun guy as well. They have both been Swingers for a long time, and had sex with quite a few people in their days. This is a bit of a red-light for Lilith and I, as safety is very important to us. We have not discussed papers with them yet, but she has been working on me hard and heavy for a while now. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I find sexy about her. Though she is much older and not what I am looking for physically. We are kiss/cuddle buddies, and we have had a sexy moment or two together. I feel really bad, because she has tried to have sex with me a few times but I haven’t had the chance to make things very clear to her that I have no intention of sleeping with her, and have not with anyone else besides my wife for that matter. (no, I was not a virgin before Lilith, but it has been years). I like being around her, but she is rather aggressive at times. Lately I find myself avoiding her a bit, and I am pretty sure she is pissed at me. I have to have a talk with her soon, as I value her friendship and the time we do share together. I just don’t want it to go any further.
Remember that Dominant alpha-male I mentioned earlier by the name of Sam? One of his main pets is Annie. Though young and still growing into her self, I find myself considerably attracted to her. She is more along the lines of what I am looking for physically, though not nearly as sexy as my stunning wife! Annie has an attractive energy, and catches me off-guard at times with her blooming intelligence. She is younger then Lilith and my own age agreement (She is 18 years old, where as we set the bar at 20), but she is a little bit of an exception to the rule. There is something unique her and I share. She is a switch and a big Brat as well, just like me! Sam is very strict with her, and has almost beaten the Brat out of her… I personally like brats! It is fun to switch up dynamics a bit here and there. We have cuddled, done a little kissing and touching and lots of flirting. That is it however for the most part. We are still just starting to get to know each other though, so we will see what happens.
I have saved my favorite for last… Sarah is by far the most attractive woman I have had the pleasure of spending time with recently (aside from Lilith of course). She is very intelligent and notably intellectual, a huge animal advocate, and very sweet. She is also HIGHLY considerate and selfless, which is a rare thing to find in the women I have known, as I am always the gentleman. No one besides my wife has ever treated me this good before, probably in my entire life. I have been relatively lucky in that department too… At any rate, we met her on-line after she wrote us a wonderful message on the dating site OKCupid a few months ago. She didn’t have pictures on her profile, but we were immediately taken aback by her messages and our exchanges. We were delighted when she did share pictures of herself! Oddly enough, she fit both of our tastes, which rarely if ever has happened with Lilith and I. We didn’t hear from her for a while after our initial exchanges, but recently I had the wondrous experience of spending around 20 hours with her. We had a fantastic time, and connect on a number of levels. We were both surprised how quickly we both warmed up to each other, and found ourselves cuddling together closely for a large portion of the time we spent together. I was invited to sleep in her bed with her, and though it was a little hard I behaved myself very well. Though my now full-blown cold was just starting to affect me and keep me awake, just holding her and being held by her while I watched her sleep was pure ecstasy! Here is the hook though, and it is a big freaking hook… She is gay. Like very very gay, and just started a monogamous relationship with a woman she is really into. I have a massive crush on a gay woman, and she just values my company and cuddles because her and her girlfriend know I am safe…. Grrrrr. I am doing my best not to get ahead of myself or find myself destroyed in the end, but I could almost swear I sense some sexual energy between us. She is realizing I am not a normal male (and don’t identify exactly as a male per-say), and her girlfriend and her are considering opening up their dynamic and exploring kink. I think there is a lot we may experience together, but it is torture! Did I mention I have a massive crush on her? I find myself thinking of her all the time! We have a wonderful relating style thus far. Though she fits a lot of my ideals physically and personality wise, because of the situation I don’t find myself pulsing with lust toward her. This is interesting as I have never experienced a lack of lust with someone I liked so much. The best way I can describe it is contentedness. I find myself in sheer and utter content! I can ride this wave for a while, but I must admit at not very good at surfing. Also just to confuse things further, she is sprung on Lilith, whom recently put a cap on partners, as she is stretching herself way too thin at this point. I am not sure if anything will develop between them, and Sarah has already admitted she lost a great opportunity by being indecisive and intimidated by us. It’s a big bummer, because I KNOW they would really fall for each other, possibly into a deep and intense love. That would make me very happy, even if we just remain “Cuddle Monsters”.

Friday, July 9, 2010

A Monologue to Myself.

(Perspective: Xenith)


Think on that word for an instant. “Monogamy”. Say it aloud to yourself and really let the sounds roll off your tongue. Rather, let those sounds gimp and crawl out of your mouth with all the effort it requires.


Doesn't the word 'mundane' seem to create its own life out of that very word? To me, the sound alone 'monogamy' reminds me of a similar word I have great aversions to. Monotony. A constant state of same-ness that is as consistently constant as the root word it is derived from. ‘Mono’ in my opinion is the perfect root to a word with such as liner and dull meaning. Let's take for instance monodrama, which is a play with one actor. Being a big fan of the dramatic and theatrical world, I don't think even I could come to appreciate a play with a single player. How about monochrome? This seems to have a little more spunk than the previous words, but at second glance it is after all made up of a single color. You don't even need to say 'monogamy' with a limp monotone, because even if stated with vigor 'monogamy' remains rather lifeless. It is no shock that a few lesser known words also ring true to the nature of monogamy. Monody, having the somber meaning of a funeral lament sung by one voice. I can't help but poke a stick at that one. Even more appropriately, monoblepsia is a condition in which vision is normal when using only one eye.

Though I speak of monogamy in jest, please do not twist my intentions. Polyamory, though a more colorful and three dimensional word and meaning, is not perfect or Utopian by any stretch of the imagination. It is complex, unpredictable, often misunderstood and difficult to maintain. In essence it is the exact opposite of the 'Mono" counterpart. Though I discovered a dull and predictable love-life was not for me all the way back in High School, I am still to this day taken by surprise from insecurities and fears I never knew I could feel. I fear my wife is more sexually attracted to her current interest, because when her and I were forming a relationship sex was not a frequent topic of discussion or focus. Then I remind myself that I care not to compare myself with other people, because we are too diverse to be lumped into pretty little categories. As reassuring as this fact is, I still can't help but feel a little sting here and there. In truth, that is completely normal and rather healthy. She is someone to be desired and honored, and to feel proud of knowing. She is worth holding onto, and spending an entire life with. When I distill that fear I realize it comes from being afraid of not being able to preserve her in my life, where she brings me much joy. To focus on this distillation it becomes clear that encouraging her to be happy and helping to facilitate that joy in her life, enhances and insures that she will stay in my life. Who else would love her and care for her happiness that much?

I truly am lucky to feel these fears, and know that they will not stop me from encouraging her to move forward.

She is safe in my arms after all.

Mundane is far from what can be said of our lives, because we live it with enthusiasm and wonder. It is never monotonous, as our interests and experiences shift according to our varying surroundings, landscapes, and the diverse peer we keep. There are no Monodramas in our lives as there are many vibrant performers at every turn, no matter how dramatic balancing all these personalities can be at times. Our memories and activities are captured in a plethora of colors, while others seek shelter in monochrome. Our communication style is detailed, rich, fluid and even vulgar at times, leaving nothing to hide. Surely even our funeral will buzz with life, because all our loved ones will be in comfort with others in our close intimate extended family. I hope it will be our children that will turn on the music and be the ones to dance first.

I feel we have both of our eyes open wide,
but it is our hearts that truly gets the best view.

There are countless books on fear and jealousy pertaining to non-monogamy, and frankly I am not going to bore you with that rhetoric. I would rather share with you a few other related words to the 'mono' root that scare me the most. Monopoly, a check-mate of sorts where growth is viewed as infinite, yet resources to stabilize the ©orporation crumble underfoot. As self-defeating as a Monarchy, ruled by a single human as flawed as you and I. Blindly dictating the lives and well-being of others as if they were property. I refuse to take part in any unstable stock and bond trading, built on a foundation of oppression, plastic smiles and hollow pleasantries. I love my wife so much, that I would prefer her to put me in my place when I am being a complete fool, and work with the others we love to create a better world together.

Remember my friends that simple things are rarely worth doing,
and nothing truly worth doing is simple.


(Perspective: Lilith)

It is a strange yet wonderful feeling to experience romantic emotions for multiple individuals at once. Stranger still is the comforting knowledge that not only does my husband accept these feelings, but he also supports and encourages them with consent.

As I write this, he is chatting via instant message with a woman he has an interest in from a dating website with both have accounts on.

Surprise, surprise, I too support this bizarre phenomena with zealous! What could this be?

Compersion, of course!

When I first discovered Polyamory, I was convinced that compersion was a mythical emotion only mentioned in educational books for the sole purpose of converting those who choose to live a monogamous lifestyle.

However, I am very proud to announce that compersion is no mythological emotion. In fact, it is rather an extremely common occurrence in my day-to-day life. When I reminisce about my first explorations into the uncharted lands of alternative relationship dynamics, I almost laugh at how intimidated I felt. My apprehension was clearly rooted in fear of the unknown.

Ironically, my memories of monogamy have been infinitely more painful than my experiences with my new lifestyle (thus far).

In this moment, I wish to profess my gratefulness to my amazing husband and all the wonderful people who have graced our lives.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


(Perspective: Lilith)

It has been quite a long time since there has been an update, however this is not because of lack of experiences to share. Rather, it has been quite the contrary; there have been so many changes it is a little difficult to keep track of.

I suppose I will begin where we left off: Fetish Revolution.

Shortly after Fetish Revolution, John and I attended a personal play party we were invited to by one of the founders of Horns and Halos, an organization that produces the Arizona Fetish Balls.

While I was eagerly looking forward to attending the party, I was also extremely apprehensive because I wasn't exactly sure whether or not any random scenario would trigger memories from my past.

I am glad to say that the exact opposite happened.

I participated in a few very enjoyable scenes, in which all of my reservations dissolved as if the memories of my past abuse were merely a bad dream I had, or a story I had discovered in a random fiction novel.

The night was pure magic, the group of people at the party were absolutely wonderful, and despite the small amount of sleep I got after the 12 hour play party, I felt refreshed, renewed, and open.

In addition to my personal healing, the experience brought John and I incredibly close. I cannot imagine another person on this Earth that I could have trusted enough in that moment to be there for me should a memory be triggered. For this I am eternally grateful.

There are few words that can describe the elation I am currently feeling, no matter how poetically I may attempt to convey them.

I suppose most importantly, I understand these feelings, and I as a result can begin to heal.

Since then, we have attended multiple play parties, met quite a few amazing people in the kink scene in Arizona, and have forged a new path within our relationship.

This brought us to such a heightened level of closeness in our relationship that it felt like the right time to make the next step: marriage.

It is interesting to look back into the past and observe what thoughts, opinions, and perspectives I held at that time. There are many aspects of myself that are completely the same, but conversely much has changed.

For instance, John and I got married May 4th.

When I was a teenager I was very anarchistic, and I still am to a degree, but I now hold the view that it is better to bend concepts instead of break them.

For a long time I swore over and over again that I didn't believe in marriage because of the institution and implications behind state marriages. Besides, what happens to your life when you get married?

[Begin Rant] You "settle down", become Ms. Betty housewife, a spent baby maker, a personal chef for your husband, a whore in the bedroom, entertainer in the living room, and an all around miserable human being that needlessly consumes a disgusting amounts of natural resources for the sake of preserving their god forsaken nuclear family. [End Rant]

Clearly, I abhorred the idea of this being my fate.

However, when I met John, it became quite clear that our relationship would not be conventional by any means, for neither of us as individuals are conventional people, therefore it would only make sense that when we come together, our life becomes surreal in a wonderful way.

One year after our relationship began, we evolved from being monogamous to polyamorous. After two years of being together John proposed, which he never thought he'd do in any of his relationships. After three years, we both decide to dedicate ourselves in marriage.

It isn't your common marriage by any means. Neither of us are religious, but we're both extremely spiritual, and find solace in people uniting together through whatever means they choose.

I'm extremely happy with our decision and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This brings us to another interesting scenario.

For the past four months, John had been talking on-line with a woman he found on OKCupid.
The interesting catch is this woman is straight, however she is in a polyamorous relationship with her husband. Her husband and I had never talked before, so I wasn't exactly sure if there would be a connection on our behalf.

However, they have been hitting it off quite nicely to the point where we were wondering if they would ever meet in person.

Well, we finally pinpointed a date, and were invited to have dinner and stay the night.

I am happy to say that the night exceeded all of our expectations.

I'm actually rather surprised at how quickly I'm opening up with her husband.

I never have identified as polysexual, but rather always polyamorous. For me the entire experience is about building and maintaining multiple loving relationships. The sexuality aspect is a gigantic plus, but it isn't my main focus.

In fact, it isn't usual that I open up sexually to someone so quickly. There are a myriad of variables that made opening up so soon comfortable. For example, I am married to a very amazing man who is interested in a wonderful woman. That woman happens to be married to an attractive man that I am interested in. That alone provides the feeling of a seemingly safe and stable situation.

Now begins the period of entertaining exciting possibilities as far as romantic and sexual relationships are concerned.

Aside from this wonderful news, John and I also attended Fetish Prom!

The anticipation leading up to the night of the Fetish Prom was becoming almost unbearable, which might I add was pleasurably painful. However, now that it has passed, a new anticipation for the next Fetish Ball is steadily growing.

The week before the Fetish Prom had proved to be quite the hectic week in many different aspects. To begin with, our work schedules were a bit brutal, which provided us with little time to prepare for the event. We had a wedding to prepare for and attend, as well as a mad spree to put the finishing touches on both our outfits.

Needless to say, we accomplished everything quite gracefully. Phew... sigh of relief!

Finally, the night arrived where we found ourselves on our way to the Fetish Prom.

After a trip into Tucson to find the rest of John’s outfit, we showered, goofed around, got dressed, goofed around some more, gleefully hopped in the car, and soon arrived at the Fetish Prom.

I knew the Fetish Prom would be more packed than Fetish Revolution, but I had no idea it would be that crowded.

My favorite part of going to the Fetish events is the walk to the venue from the parking lot. Those innocent and unsuspecting people who are simply out with their friends for a night on the town usually have no idea how to react to seeing hundreds of people dressed in fetish/kinky gear. The looks given are absolutely hilarious.

Needless to say, the walk from the parking lot was a little experience all in it’s own.

Once inside the venue we ran into everyone that we know, which is of course always very lovely. After a few hours of conversation, we hear the announcement that Android Lust is playing. Personally, I’m not a huge fan of Android Lust, but John absolutely loves them. At this point, we excuse ourselves, and run towards the stage. Regardless of whether or not I care to sit down to their albums at home, I still very much enjoyed their live performance. We danced our cute little butts off for the entire performance, and mingled a bit more.

Before we knew it, the end of the venue arrived, which was only the beginning of the after party.

Many thanks and much love goes to Mitch and Monica for gifting us with two V.I.P passes and a free stay in their hotel room for the after party. We are grateful beyond expression.

When we arrived at the after party, the hotel was already crawling with tons of naked people running around and having lots of kinky fun. In a way, the after party felt similar to a kinky zoo. Every hotel room had their doors and curtains open to display what fun they were having inside the rooms. It was quite an interesting and awesome evening.

Eventually, the sun came up and most people went home aside from a few small groups of devout kinksters. We left a few hours after the sun rose and made our way home.

All in all, it has been a busy few months, and we wouldn't have it any other way :)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Sexual Healing.

(Perspective: Lilith)

Experiencing a personal metamorphosis can at times feel uncomfortable, however, uncomfortable does not imply negative. The feeling and experience of evolving is a wonderful pain; a good pain.

I am writing to document this interesting evolution that is occurring not only within myself, but also within Xenith, and the interesting people and situations that the universe is presenting us with.

Recently, Xenith and I have been discussing becoming more heavily involved with the kink community, for at this point we are both feeling as though our external world needs to better reflect our inner selves.

However, while this is challenging me on a number of levels, there are specifically two extremely interesting emotions I'm experiencing.

From my observation, I'm noticing that when worlds collide, current perspectives can become complicated on many levels.

To be more specific, figuring out ones dynamic within polyamory is a whole adventure unto itself, and once that dynamic is established, what is built from the foundation becomes more seamless because the base structure has been discovered.

The same can be said for finding your personal dynamic within BDSM.

I have found, though, that the outcome of mixing BDSM with polyamory creates emotions I wasn't aware existed until this point.

I am Dominant and Xenith is submissive, so instantly that breaks the social stigma that by nature women are submissive and men dominant. Our D/s relationship stays in the bedroom and does not reflect on our daily interactions with one another or other individuals in our lives, unless those relations are strictly sexual.

This brings me to an interesting opportunity we have been presented with.

Last weekend we attended Fetish Revolution 10 in Phoenix, which was absolutely amazing. And as a result, we have recently been invited to a private play party by one of the individuals that is highly active in the kink community here in Phoenix. The play party is comprised of a tight-knit group of non-judgmental friends of different ages, genders, orientations, and dynamics.

This is fantastic, because this is exactly what we have been discussing, but this brings me to that interesting emotion I previously mentioned...

Since I have become polyamorous, I've noticed that I rarely if ever experience jealousy. But now that I've become Dominant, I'm noticing that I don't feel possessive, but rather protective, which puts an interesting spin on our polyamorous relationship. Ironically, this emotion is neither negative or destructive because it isn't an emotion I let control me; it is simply extremely interesting that this new experience has brought me an entirely new emotion I didn't think existed.

I'm also experiencing a lot of odd emotions surrounding the sexual abuse I experienced in my adolescence. I have extreme trust issues when it comes to involving myself sexually with others, which is extremely frustrating because sexuality is extremely healing. It is unfortunate I experienced how it can be used to destroy.

Even though may of us seldom bring ourselves to this realization, the fact remains that we have the potential to be in control of our thoughts and emotions, instead of our thoughts and emotions being in charge of us. When you become the witness to your thoughts instead of the judge, this allows uncomfortable emotions to depart as quickly as they arrived. Read the warning sign, don't feed the animals, and they won't have reason to return. You simply won't have the food to sustain them.

This is a wonderful opportunity for me to remember just that; my past is my past and cannot affect me in my present if I simply allow my uncomfortable emotions to rise and then fall.

Regardless of this challenge, I am extremely grateful for another opportunity to grow in various aspects.

Last year felt like the year to clear out the old in order to make room for the new, which is exactly what this year is presenting to each and everyone of us. It would be foolish not to accept such an amazing gift.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Comment posted to the Jenny Block Article in response to the Tiger Wood's Scandal.

(Perspective: Lilith)

This is yet another extremely long response to the ignorant comments posted in response to Jenny Block's article tackling the Tiger Wood's scandal. Sigh... I couldn't help myself, so I went overboard and turned my little comment into a passion driven rant.

Here is the link to the article: Jenny Block

Being an individual that practices Polyamory in my personal life, I can agree with many statements that Jenny Block makes, conversely there are many statements Jenny Block makes that I do not agree with.

First and foremost, I do notice that Jenny Block focuses mainly on the sexual aspect of polyamory. While sexuality is an important part of all relationships, I do not appreciate how sexuality has been the main topic concerning Polyamory.

Polyamory is a simple word used to describe a complex personal philosophy.

Poly is also a hybrid word from Greek and Latin; Poly (Greek) translates to 'many' or 'multiple' and Amor (Latin) translates to 'love'.

Polyamory means many loves.

While individuals are free to interpret that translation how they will, I still believe that 'many loves' still means just that 'many loves', which does not mean 'many fuck buddies' or 'many one night stands'.

Swinging and Polyamory will forever be on the opposite ends of the spectrum and should not be confused with one another, especially with the media distorting the personal philosophy in order to create petty cultural wars amongst one another.

Jenny Block's story of how she became Polyamorous is her story and while it may reflect similar situations of how some other individuals became Polyamorous, it does not reflect us all.

My Fiance and I have never cheated on one another, nor have we cheated on partners in our past, because not only do we have self control as individuals, but we also have morals and ethics that clearly make actions such as lying, cheating, stealing (and so on), not only wrong, but irreversible actions that have many consequences causing unimaginable damage.

Our story of how we became Polyamorous has absolutely nothing to do with lying, cheating, or a lack of self control. We both as individuals are caring, loving, compassionate, empathetic, and extroverted, with many evolving interests regarding human nature, society, and culture. We have a lot of love to give and make the conscious decision to choose to see the good and loveable qualities in humans instead of simply focusing on the bad and unlovable qualities in humans. This makes it very easy to develop legitimate feelings for more than one individual at a time and these feelings can range anywhere from crushes to being in love.

Humans, as a race, have throughout time, isolated themselves further and further from one another, which goes against the nature of our species. We are social creatures that not only statistically, but also logically live happier, healthier, longer, and less complicated lives when we interact with, depend on, and trust one another.

If this weren't the case, then we as a species would not be trying to fix the hole in our hearts and the empty void in our lives by joining special interest groups or on-line social networks to replace feelings belonging, acceptance, and love.

Humans have put themselves through hell over the course of thousands of years and we have finally reached our apex, which has resulted in an overwhelming feeling of needing to experience love.

I have read the statement that monogamy is a myth.

I have read the statement that monogamy goes against our nature as a species.

I strongly disagree with them both.

What I do believe is that monogamy and polyamory are both legitimate lifestyles, in sync with our nature, for some of us are happy being monogamous and some of us are happy being polyamorous.

Yes, emotions such as jealousy are completely natural, but only because we are sentient creatures capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions and thought. However, this does not mean that just because you might experience something uncomfortable, you should avoid it or deem the source of your discomfort as unnatural or something that goes against the nature of your species. It is how you choose to react to your uncomfortable emotions that is important, not whether or not you experience them.

Humans are also creatures of passion; various cultures have created music, dances, paintings, jewelry, clothing, stories, belief systems so they can feel unique depths emotions that are a direct result of experiencing those diverse creations.

Dancing is different from music just as jewelry is different from clothing, but they are each enjoyable for their unique aspects, which is why we enjoy all of them instead of confining ourselves to one form of artistic expression.

The same can be said for human interaction and human relationships.

Just as it isn't okay to be monogamous because the prying eyes of society says you should, it isn't okay to be polyamorous because the prying eyes of society says you should.

We all have our personal beliefs and our personal convictions. To claim our personal beliefs and our personal convictions are the one and only right way to live is a bit absurd because along with that claim comes the implication that we are perfect, all knowing, and god-like.

Face it, we are all far from perfect, all knowing, and god-like.

This is why persecuting each other for our beliefs is absolutely ridiculous.

We live in 2009, not the 1930's.

Which brings me to my other point.

I have read statements that suggest allowing homosexual couples the right to be recognized by the state as a legitimate couple with the same right to marry as heterosexual couples will result in the scenario in which polyamorous couples will be recognized by the state as a legitimate couple with the same right to marry as monogamous couples, which will create a slippery slope.

First, the issue against homosexual rights is absurd.

The only people with an issue against homosexuals are Christians.

Homosexuality has been documented as being practiced a good 35,000 to 50,000 years ago, which when compared to the 2,000 year old practice of Christianity, it is ancient. I understand the Bible claims that homosexuality is wrong “because God says so”, but the Bible is a violent book dating back 2,000 years, which was literally published by a government body that decided which books were and weren't allowed in the Bible.

Jesus, who is the figure of Christianity, states that judging your fellow humans is not your right and tells humans that you are not to pass judgment or persecute for what you perceive as the sins of others. You are, by his words, to leave that to God.

If you believe your religion as you so zealously claim, please follow all of it, not just what suits you .

If you demand respect for your beliefs and convictions, then give respect to the beliefs and convictions of others, especially when they do not pertain to yours.

That is intelligence.

Second, the Church and State are supposed to be separate, meaning that if the only individuals that are opposed to homosexual marriages are the religious, then by law, the religious are to have no say in the decisions of government institutions.

Third, claiming that homosexual and polyamorous rights will create a slippery slope is as backwards as claiming that allowing women and African-Americans the right to vote will create a slippery slope.

I invite you to remember a time where women were forced into submission without even the right to common civil liberties such as wearing pants.

I invite you to remember a time where African-Americans were bought and sold into slavery, raped, murdered, and denied all human rights because the color of their skin.

From our perspective at this point in time, we view those periods as horrible points in human history, and as a sober example of the maliciousness humans are capable of.

We cannot repeat those mistakes.

Is it so difficult to imagine a time in which we do not judge what causes us no physical harm?

Is it so difficult to imagine a time in which homosexual and polyamorous individuals have the same rights and civil liberties as do women and African-American individuals?

If we as a species are so intelligent and progressive, why is it that we cannot evolve past petty judgments? It's quite embarrassing, to be honest.

I have seen family become a major concern of those curious about the Polyamorous lifestyle.

Many of you have asked about the stability of the children who belong to Polyamorous families.

Children without siblings are scientifically proven to psychologically develop differently from children with at least one sibling; children without siblings are scientifically proven to have difficulty with social skills, sharing, and learning abilities whereas children with siblings are scientifically proven to have more ease with social skills, sharing, and learning abilities.

Children without parents are scientifically proven to emotionally develop differently from children with at least one parent.

As you see, children who are surrounded by larger families, which are comprised of loving and supportive pillars of strength, live happier, healthier, and more stable lives and are much more capable of becoming stable adults in their future.

Polyamory means many loves, which one could imagine implies larger families in the sense that existing families merge, which results in extended families that can be seen as support groups.

This not only makes it easier and more enjoyable for the child to have more brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, fathers, and mothers to turn to, but it makes it easier for the parents as well to know that they will have help caring, loving, and providing for their children.

I quote: “It takes a village to raise a child.”

This has never been more true as we our now seeing the consequences of trying to raise children alone.

As a conclusion to this very long response: the main arguments against Polyamory can be seen as stemming from a few nerves that are touched by the concept such as sexuality, family, religion.

If we can open our minds to the possibility that polyamory is about the ability to love more than one individual and not about the allowance of cheating, that polyamory is about creating families and not about destroying families, and that those who practice religion should be more tolerant, accepting, and loving towards the personal decisions that do not cause them any physical harm, then perhaps we can as a society open our minds to if not practicing Polyamory, then at least accepting and loving those who do.

For those who feel that Polyamory is being shoved in your face because there exist news articles, books, and documentaries regarding the subject, please understand that we are simply offering our opinion just like every other member of society is doing.

Polyamory is not for everyone, and that is okay.

Monogamy is not for everyone, and that is okay.

To address the Tiger Woods situation: Cheating is not okay within Monogamous and/or Polyamorous relationships, because to cheat is to lie, deceive, and posses a lack of self-control as well as necessary morals and ethics. I do not think that Tiger Woods becoming Polyamorous would solve any of his problems, because within Polyamorous relationships communication, honesty, and respect are key components, and when those guidelines are disrespected and breached, relationships end just as they do in Monogamous relationships. It appears that Tiger Woods doesn't necessarily feel as though he doesn't have an option, but rather that he has an issue with lying and cheating, which we shouldn't forget that some people have, whether or not they are Polyamorous or Monogamous.

So, before any one you angrily responds to my comment with spiteful and hate filled remarks, please seriously consider the words I have written, and open your minds to the possibility that it is okay for people to be different from you as long as what they are doing causes you no harm.

Humans are wonderful creatures when we choose to be, so let us choose to use the intelligence we pride ourselves on, and continue down another path of evolution.

Update: I highly respect Jenny Block for her commitment to putting herself in a vulnerable position for the sake of Poly Activism, but she isn't exactly the best poster child for the Poly Movement.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Oh, Baby.

Perspective: (Lilith)

Per usual, a series of synchronicities created quite the interesting situation in my life.

For the past few months, my menstual cycle has appeared every full moon, however this past month when the full moon arrived, I did not find myself doubled-over in pain, laying in bed sipping chammomile tea, or fussing over the nuances of tampons and diva cups. Instead, I found myself grounded, active, pain-free, slightly worried, and quite confused.

Synchronicity #1: When I arrived at work, I mentioned to a co-worked how fatigued I felt as a result of working during the holiday season and my body preparing for my cycle. She took one look at me and said quite bluntly, "Are you pregnant?"
Considering I was late for my cycle, the most I could do was stammer, "I don't believe I'm pregnant. I am engaged, so it wouldn't be horrible if I was, but... I don't think so."
She replied matter-of-factly, "Well, my daughter experienced the same sort of exhaustion, and even continued to have her cycle for two months until she realized she was pregnant."
The most I could gather and present was a bewildered, "Huh..."

Synchronicity#2: My fiances Mother mentioned how she was having a chocolate craving as a result of getting close to her menstrual cycle. She also mentioned that our cycles are usually back-to-back; mine coming before hers. This, of course, prompted her to ask, "Did you get your period yet?"
Pretending this was a normal conversation, I tersely replied, "No, in fact, I'm late."
Knowing the I want Grandchildren smile all too well, it didn't take me long to realize what was going through her mind.

Synchronicity#3: I decided to rent Frida so John can see it, which it turned out he positively loved (he's such a skeptic), not realizing that halfway through the movie Frida becomes unexpectedly pregnant.

Synchronicity#4: John and I are eating dinner at the table and his Mother is watching an obnoxious television show that happens to grab my attention, you know, being that it is a dancing midget and all. During the five minutes I randomly decide to pay attention, I see a young woman who has just given birth to her newborn child, and is having second thoughts giving her child up for adoption after having the chance to hold and even nurse the baby.

Ah, yes, by this time I decided it would be a good time to have the talk with my love. As expected, the talk went fabulously and we decided that if it was meant to be, then we would trust the universe and view the pregnancy as a blessing, and a deeper commitment to our relationship and path in life together.

So, after seven days of not bleeding between my legs, we decided to go to the store and get a pregnancy test, which happened to be locked behind a sliding glass door, right next to an impressive array of condoms, and a not so impressive array of typical KY lubrication.

We asked for assistance, waited, and the most hilarious thing happened...

He walked up to the case with his head down, and proceeded to open the condom case assuming we were a randy, young couple anxiously waiting to rush home with our condoms and fuck like bunnies.

But, alas, we had already fucked like bunnies and we now need the pregnancy test, so we politley say (without laughing), "No, not that case, the other one."

He manages to nervously stammer, "Oh..." and fidget with the lock until the other case opens.

We tell him we want a pregnancy test, which makes him more nervous, so he starts grabbing for one and we once again politely say (still without laughing even though this time its more difficult), "No, that one down there..."

I supposed this was the straw that broke the camels back because at this point he said (while still looking at the ground), "You guys can just grab it..."

So, we just grab it, smile, wish him a wonderful night, and proceed to the check-out line.

Oddly enough, as we are leaving the store, I begin to experience what feels like my body preparing for menses.

Fifteen minutes after arriving home... GUSH... hello period!

So, it turns out I'm not pregnant, which is a bit of a relief and a bit of a dissapointment.

Synchronicity# 5: For our two-year anniversary, John and I go into Tucson for a fun-filled day of events and reminiscing, which brings us to where we first met and worked together at: Bookman's. We chat with old friends and co-workers for a while, make our selections, and head over to the check-out line, where an old friend blurts out in-front of a good twenty people, "Wow, you look great; you're glowing! Are you pregnant?"
At this point, I lose words, forget how to breathe, and somehow mention to croak, "Thanks... no... why?"
She continues happily, "Oh, well, everyone is getting pregnant and popping out babies. It's the year of the baby!"

Now, if I hadn't gotten my period just three days before that event, I would have been convinced I was pregnant.

Imagine that.