(Perspective: Lilith)
Experiencing a personal metamorphosis can at times feel uncomfortable, however, uncomfortable does not imply negative. The feeling and experience of evolving is a wonderful pain; a good pain.
I am writing to document this interesting evolution that is occurring not only within myself, but also within Xenith, and the interesting people and situations that the universe is presenting us with.
Recently, Xenith and I have been discussing becoming more heavily involved with the kink community, for at this point we are both feeling as though our external world needs to better reflect our inner selves.
However, while this is challenging me on a number of levels, there are specifically two extremely interesting emotions I'm experiencing.
From my observation, I'm noticing that when worlds collide, current perspectives can become complicated on many levels.
To be more specific, figuring out ones dynamic within polyamory is a whole adventure unto itself, and once that dynamic is established, what is built from the foundation becomes more seamless because the base structure has been discovered.
The same can be said for finding your personal dynamic within BDSM.
I have found, though, that the outcome of mixing BDSM with polyamory creates emotions I wasn't aware existed until this point.
I am Dominant and Xenith is submissive, so instantly that breaks the social stigma that by nature women are submissive and men dominant. Our D/s relationship stays in the bedroom and does not reflect on our daily interactions with one another or other individuals in our lives, unless those relations are strictly sexual.
This brings me to an interesting opportunity we have been presented with.
Last weekend we attended Fetish Revolution 10 in Phoenix, which was absolutely amazing. And as a result, we have recently been invited to a private play party by one of the individuals that is highly active in the kink community here in Phoenix. The play party is comprised of a tight-knit group of non-judgmental friends of different ages, genders, orientations, and dynamics.
This is fantastic, because this is exactly what we have been discussing, but this brings me to that interesting emotion I previously mentioned...
Since I have become polyamorous, I've noticed that I rarely if ever experience jealousy. But now that I've become Dominant, I'm noticing that I don't feel possessive, but rather protective, which puts an interesting spin on our polyamorous relationship. Ironically, this emotion is neither negative or destructive because it isn't an emotion I let control me; it is simply extremely interesting that this new experience has brought me an entirely new emotion I didn't think existed.
I'm also experiencing a lot of odd emotions surrounding the sexual abuse I experienced in my adolescence. I have extreme trust issues when it comes to involving myself sexually with others, which is extremely frustrating because sexuality is extremely healing. It is unfortunate I experienced how it can be used to destroy.
Even though may of us seldom bring ourselves to this realization, the fact remains that we have the potential to be in control of our thoughts and emotions, instead of our thoughts and emotions being in charge of us. When you become the witness to your thoughts instead of the judge, this allows uncomfortable emotions to depart as quickly as they arrived. Read the warning sign, don't feed the animals, and they won't have reason to return. You simply won't have the food to sustain them.
This is a wonderful opportunity for me to remember just that; my past is my past and cannot affect me in my present if I simply allow my uncomfortable emotions to rise and then fall.
Regardless of this challenge, I am extremely grateful for another opportunity to grow in various aspects.
Last year felt like the year to clear out the old in order to make room for the new, which is exactly what this year is presenting to each and everyone of us. It would be foolish not to accept such an amazing gift.
