(Perspective: XenitH) So, it has been a while since a clear update on the happenings of the last few months. Needless to say this is due to the massive things taking place in our lives recently. I will do my best to keep this short and sweet, while still including enough details to show the insanity that is our life at this point.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Time-Crunching
Posted by Lilith and XenitH at 7:33 PM 0 comments
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Monologue to Myself.
(Perspective: Xenith)
Monogamy
Think on that word for an instant. “Monogamy”. Say it aloud to yourself and really let the sounds roll off your tongue. Rather, let those sounds gimp and crawl out of your mouth with all the effort it requires.
Monogamy
Doesn't the word 'mundane' seem to create its own life out of that very word? To me, the sound alone 'monogamy' reminds me of a similar word I have great aversions to. Monotony. A constant state of same-ness that is as consistently constant as the root word it is derived from. ‘Mono’ in my opinion is the perfect root to a word with such as liner and dull meaning. Let's take for instance monodrama, which is a play with one actor. Being a big fan of the dramatic and theatrical world, I don't think even I could come to appreciate a play with a single player. How about monochrome? This seems to have a little more spunk than the previous words, but at second glance it is after all made up of a single color. You don't even need to say 'monogamy' with a limp monotone, because even if stated with vigor 'monogamy' remains rather lifeless. It is no shock that a few lesser known words also ring true to the nature of monogamy. Monody, having the somber meaning of a funeral lament sung by one voice. I can't help but poke a stick at that one. Even more appropriately, monoblepsia is a condition in which vision is normal when using only one eye.
Though I speak of monogamy in jest, please do not twist my intentions. Polyamory, though a more colorful and three dimensional word and meaning, is not perfect or Utopian by any stretch of the imagination. It is complex, unpredictable, often misunderstood and difficult to maintain. In essence it is the exact opposite of the 'Mono" counterpart. Though I discovered a dull and predictable love-life was not for me all the way back in High School, I am still to this day taken by surprise from insecurities and fears I never knew I could feel. I fear my wife is more sexually attracted to her current interest, because when her and I were forming a relationship sex was not a frequent topic of discussion or focus. Then I remind myself that I care not to compare myself with other people, because we are too diverse to be lumped into pretty little categories. As reassuring as this fact is, I still can't help but feel a little sting here and there. In truth, that is completely normal and rather healthy. She is someone to be desired and honored, and to feel proud of knowing. She is worth holding onto, and spending an entire life with. When I distill that fear I realize it comes from being afraid of not being able to preserve her in my life, where she brings me much joy. To focus on this distillation it becomes clear that encouraging her to be happy and helping to facilitate that joy in her life, enhances and insures that she will stay in my life. Who else would love her and care for her happiness that much?
I truly am lucky to feel these fears, and know that they will not stop me from encouraging her to move forward.
She is safe in my arms after all.
Mundane is far from what can be said of our lives, because we live it with enthusiasm and wonder. It is never monotonous, as our interests and experiences shift according to our varying surroundings, landscapes, and the diverse peer we keep. There are no Monodramas in our lives as there are many vibrant performers at every turn, no matter how dramatic balancing all these personalities can be at times. Our memories and activities are captured in a plethora of colors, while others seek shelter in monochrome. Our communication style is detailed, rich, fluid and even vulgar at times, leaving nothing to hide. Surely even our funeral will buzz with life, because all our loved ones will be in comfort with others in our close intimate extended family. I hope it will be our children that will turn on the music and be the ones to dance first.
I feel we have both of our eyes open wide,
but it is our hearts that truly gets the best view.
There are countless books on fear and jealousy pertaining to non-monogamy, and frankly I am not going to bore you with that rhetoric. I would rather share with you a few other related words to the 'mono' root that scare me the most. Monopoly, a check-mate of sorts where growth is viewed as infinite, yet resources to stabilize the ©orporation crumble underfoot. As self-defeating as a Monarchy, ruled by a single human as flawed as you and I. Blindly dictating the lives and well-being of others as if they were property. I refuse to take part in any unstable stock and bond trading, built on a foundation of oppression, plastic smiles and hollow pleasantries. I love my wife so much, that I would prefer her to put me in my place when I am being a complete fool, and work with the others we love to create a better world together.
Remember my friends that simple things are rarely worth doing,
and nothing truly worth doing is simple.
Posted by Lilith and XenitH at 11:34 AM 0 comments
Compersion
(Perspective: Lilith)
It is a strange yet wonderful feeling to experience romantic emotions for multiple individuals at once. Stranger still is the comforting knowledge that not only does my husband accept these feelings, but he also supports and encourages them with consent.
As I write this, he is chatting via instant message with a woman he has an interest in from a dating website with both have accounts on.
Surprise, surprise, I too support this bizarre phenomena with zealous! What could this be?
Compersion, of course!
When I first discovered Polyamory, I was convinced that compersion was a mythical emotion only mentioned in educational books for the sole purpose of converting those who choose to live a monogamous lifestyle.
However, I am very proud to announce that compersion is no mythological emotion. In fact, it is rather an extremely common occurrence in my day-to-day life. When I reminisce about my first explorations into the uncharted lands of alternative relationship dynamics, I almost laugh at how intimidated I felt. My apprehension was clearly rooted in fear of the unknown.
Ironically, my memories of monogamy have been infinitely more painful than my experiences with my new lifestyle (thus far).
In this moment, I wish to profess my gratefulness to my amazing husband and all the wonderful people who have graced our lives.
Posted by Lilith and XenitH at 10:38 AM 0 comments
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Evolution.
(Perspective: Lilith)
It has been quite a long time since there has been an update, however this is not because of lack of experiences to share. Rather, it has been quite the contrary; there have been so many changes it is a little difficult to keep track of.
I suppose I will begin where we left off: Fetish Revolution.
Shortly after Fetish Revolution, John and I attended a personal play party we were invited to by one of the founders of Horns and Halos, an organization that produces the Arizona Fetish Balls.
While I was eagerly looking forward to attending the party, I was also extremely apprehensive because I wasn't exactly sure whether or not any random scenario would trigger memories from my past.
I am glad to say that the exact opposite happened.
I participated in a few very enjoyable scenes, in which all of my reservations dissolved as if the memories of my past abuse were merely a bad dream I had, or a story I had discovered in a random fiction novel.
The night was pure magic, the group of people at the party were absolutely wonderful, and despite the small amount of sleep I got after the 12 hour play party, I felt refreshed, renewed, and open.
In addition to my personal healing, the experience brought John and I incredibly close. I cannot imagine another person on this Earth that I could have trusted enough in that moment to be there for me should a memory be triggered. For this I am eternally grateful.
There are few words that can describe the elation I am currently feeling, no matter how poetically I may attempt to convey them.
I suppose most importantly, I understand these feelings, and I as a result can begin to heal.
Since then, we have attended multiple play parties, met quite a few amazing people in the kink scene in Arizona, and have forged a new path within our relationship.
This brought us to such a heightened level of closeness in our relationship that it felt like the right time to make the next step: marriage.
It is interesting to look back into the past and observe what thoughts, opinions, and perspectives I held at that time. There are many aspects of myself that are completely the same, but conversely much has changed.
For instance, John and I got married May 4th.
When I was a teenager I was very anarchistic, and I still am to a degree, but I now hold the view that it is better to bend concepts instead of break them.
For a long time I swore over and over again that I didn't believe in marriage because of the institution and implications behind state marriages. Besides, what happens to your life when you get married?
[Begin Rant] You "settle down", become Ms. Betty housewife, a spent baby maker, a personal chef for your husband, a whore in the bedroom, entertainer in the living room, and an all around miserable human being that needlessly consumes a disgusting amounts of natural resources for the sake of preserving their god forsaken nuclear family. [End Rant]
Clearly, I abhorred the idea of this being my fate.
However, when I met John, it became quite clear that our relationship would not be conventional by any means, for neither of us as individuals are conventional people, therefore it would only make sense that when we come together, our life becomes surreal in a wonderful way.
One year after our relationship began, we evolved from being monogamous to polyamorous. After two years of being together John proposed, which he never thought he'd do in any of his relationships. After three years, we both decide to dedicate ourselves in marriage.
It isn't your common marriage by any means. Neither of us are religious, but we're both extremely spiritual, and find solace in people uniting together through whatever means they choose.
I'm extremely happy with our decision and I wouldn't have it any other way.
This brings us to another interesting scenario.
For the past four months, John had been talking on-line with a woman he found on OKCupid.
The interesting catch is this woman is straight, however she is in a polyamorous relationship with her husband. Her husband and I had never talked before, so I wasn't exactly sure if there would be a connection on our behalf.
However, they have been hitting it off quite nicely to the point where we were wondering if they would ever meet in person.
Well, we finally pinpointed a date, and were invited to have dinner and stay the night.
I am happy to say that the night exceeded all of our expectations.
I'm actually rather surprised at how quickly I'm opening up with her husband.
I never have identified as polysexual, but rather always polyamorous. For me the entire experience is about building and maintaining multiple loving relationships. The sexuality aspect is a gigantic plus, but it isn't my main focus.
In fact, it isn't usual that I open up sexually to someone so quickly. There are a myriad of variables that made opening up so soon comfortable. For example, I am married to a very amazing man who is interested in a wonderful woman. That woman happens to be married to an attractive man that I am interested in. That alone provides the feeling of a seemingly safe and stable situation.
Now begins the period of entertaining exciting possibilities as far as romantic and sexual relationships are concerned.
Aside from this wonderful news, John and I also attended Fetish Prom!
The anticipation leading up to the night of the Fetish Prom was becoming almost unbearable, which might I add was pleasurably painful. However, now that it has passed, a new anticipation for the next Fetish Ball is steadily growing.
The week before the Fetish Prom had proved to be quite the hectic week in many different aspects. To begin with, our work schedules were a bit brutal, which provided us with little time to prepare for the event. We had a wedding to prepare for and attend, as well as a mad spree to put the finishing touches on both our outfits.
Needless to say, we accomplished everything quite gracefully. Phew... sigh of relief!
Finally, the night arrived where we found ourselves on our way to the Fetish Prom.
After a trip into Tucson to find the rest of John’s outfit, we showered, goofed around, got dressed, goofed around some more, gleefully hopped in the car, and soon arrived at the Fetish Prom.
I knew the Fetish Prom would be more packed than Fetish Revolution, but I had no idea it would be that crowded.
My favorite part of going to the Fetish events is the walk to the venue from the parking lot. Those innocent and unsuspecting people who are simply out with their friends for a night on the town usually have no idea how to react to seeing hundreds of people dressed in fetish/kinky gear. The looks given are absolutely hilarious.
Needless to say, the walk from the parking lot was a little experience all in it’s own.
Once inside the venue we ran into everyone that we know, which is of course always very lovely. After a few hours of conversation, we hear the announcement that Android Lust is playing. Personally, I’m not a huge fan of Android Lust, but John absolutely loves them. At this point, we excuse ourselves, and run towards the stage. Regardless of whether or not I care to sit down to their albums at home, I still very much enjoyed their live performance. We danced our cute little butts off for the entire performance, and mingled a bit more.
Before we knew it, the end of the venue arrived, which was only the beginning of the after party.
Many thanks and much love goes to Mitch and Monica for gifting us with two V.I.P passes and a free stay in their hotel room for the after party. We are grateful beyond expression.
When we arrived at the after party, the hotel was already crawling with tons of naked people running around and having lots of kinky fun. In a way, the after party felt similar to a kinky zoo. Every hotel room had their doors and curtains open to display what fun they were having inside the rooms. It was quite an interesting and awesome evening.
Eventually, the sun came up and most people went home aside from a few small groups of devout kinksters. We left a few hours after the sun rose and made our way home.
All in all, it has been a busy few months, and we wouldn't have it any other way :)
Posted by Lilith and XenitH at 2:20 AM 0 comments
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sexual Healing.
(Perspective: Lilith)
Experiencing a personal metamorphosis can at times feel uncomfortable, however, uncomfortable does not imply negative. The feeling and experience of evolving is a wonderful pain; a good pain.
I am writing to document this interesting evolution that is occurring not only within myself, but also within Xenith, and the interesting people and situations that the universe is presenting us with.
Recently, Xenith and I have been discussing becoming more heavily involved with the kink community, for at this point we are both feeling as though our external world needs to better reflect our inner selves.
However, while this is challenging me on a number of levels, there are specifically two extremely interesting emotions I'm experiencing.
From my observation, I'm noticing that when worlds collide, current perspectives can become complicated on many levels.
To be more specific, figuring out ones dynamic within polyamory is a whole adventure unto itself, and once that dynamic is established, what is built from the foundation becomes more seamless because the base structure has been discovered.
The same can be said for finding your personal dynamic within BDSM.
I have found, though, that the outcome of mixing BDSM with polyamory creates emotions I wasn't aware existed until this point.
I am Dominant and Xenith is submissive, so instantly that breaks the social stigma that by nature women are submissive and men dominant. Our D/s relationship stays in the bedroom and does not reflect on our daily interactions with one another or other individuals in our lives, unless those relations are strictly sexual.
This brings me to an interesting opportunity we have been presented with.
Last weekend we attended Fetish Revolution 10 in Phoenix, which was absolutely amazing. And as a result, we have recently been invited to a private play party by one of the individuals that is highly active in the kink community here in Phoenix. The play party is comprised of a tight-knit group of non-judgmental friends of different ages, genders, orientations, and dynamics.
This is fantastic, because this is exactly what we have been discussing, but this brings me to that interesting emotion I previously mentioned...
Since I have become polyamorous, I've noticed that I rarely if ever experience jealousy. But now that I've become Dominant, I'm noticing that I don't feel possessive, but rather protective, which puts an interesting spin on our polyamorous relationship. Ironically, this emotion is neither negative or destructive because it isn't an emotion I let control me; it is simply extremely interesting that this new experience has brought me an entirely new emotion I didn't think existed.
I'm also experiencing a lot of odd emotions surrounding the sexual abuse I experienced in my adolescence. I have extreme trust issues when it comes to involving myself sexually with others, which is extremely frustrating because sexuality is extremely healing. It is unfortunate I experienced how it can be used to destroy.
Even though may of us seldom bring ourselves to this realization, the fact remains that we have the potential to be in control of our thoughts and emotions, instead of our thoughts and emotions being in charge of us. When you become the witness to your thoughts instead of the judge, this allows uncomfortable emotions to depart as quickly as they arrived. Read the warning sign, don't feed the animals, and they won't have reason to return. You simply won't have the food to sustain them.
This is a wonderful opportunity for me to remember just that; my past is my past and cannot affect me in my present if I simply allow my uncomfortable emotions to rise and then fall.
Regardless of this challenge, I am extremely grateful for another opportunity to grow in various aspects.
Last year felt like the year to clear out the old in order to make room for the new, which is exactly what this year is presenting to each and everyone of us. It would be foolish not to accept such an amazing gift.
Posted by Lilith and XenitH at 9:41 PM 0 comments