Catalyst.

(Perspective:Lilith)

As has been the theme lately, the art of growth through self-discipline is strongly continuing it's pursuit of great change within my life.

It is human tendency to experience strong aversion to change and grope for the familiar, even if change is a positive, for the familiar creates a convincing illusion of security.

However, the familiar more often than not implies stagnation, which is the exact opposite of what I need.

With this being so, I've spent a lot of time delving into the depths of my being, exploring the labyrinthine corridors of my soul, and coming to a myriad of resolutions.

Within Polyamory, communication is the key to happiness, which includes internal as well as external dialogue, complete honesty within and without, and a constant reassessment of needs.

As I'm once again returning to myself, I'm becoming more able to acknowledge who I am, who I'm not, what I'm capable of, what I'm not capable of, where I am, where I want to be, and the journey necessary to reach my internal and external goals.

Being okay with this brought me to another realization.

The beautiful aspect about Polyamory, is that you no longer need to feel pressured into being everything for one person, because as individuals we can only provide so much for ourselves and others until we begin to spread ourselves too thin, which results in an extremely unhealthy situation of inadvertently neglecting everything.

While Xenith and I have an astounding amount of similarities, we have a few very strong differences

Instead of feeling threatened by the possibility that someone can fill certain needs of Xenith that I cannot, I'm beginning to feel relieved and even happy that this is a tangible reality for Xenith and I.

I am currently spread too thin within our agreed upon dynamic concerning our Polyamorous relationship, which is only opening ourselves to romantic and sexual prospects together, not separately.

At this point in my life, I am deeply focused on internal spiritual growth, thus presenting a situation in which I find myself particularly picky about who I open myself to romantically and sexually, which isn't fair to Xenith because at this point in his life, he is deeply focused on sharing himself with other people.

Considering that I selflessly love him, I do not feel right about holding him back from happiness in any way, shape, and/or form.

We have talked and while we both acknowledge this new change within our dynamic is a bit frightening at the moment, it speaks of growth, trust, happiness, and a deepening of our bond together.

To be honest, I'm actually quite excited to see where this new avenue in life will take us!

Mental Note: Something is different...

Perspective: (Lilith)

It's interesting to examine my thoughts and notice that my daily perspective is radically changing in regard to personal relationships.

For example, when I hear clearly monogamous songs with lyrical content such as "We'd be perfect for each other and we'd never need another," I find myself experiencing a myriad of emotions ranging anywhere from annoyance to confusion while wondering if anyone in close proximity is thinking anything remotely close to me.

When I idly people watch during moments of mental wandering, I become curious as to whether or not they are in a relationship, the state of the relationship, whether or not they have considered opening their dynamic, and if they are practicing an alternative dynamic already.

When I hear the words significant other, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, husband, and wife, I want to tack on an extra 's' at the end of them all due to increasingly occurring fantasies of everyone being in one, huge, happy tribe.

*Sings* Oh the times they are a' chaaaangin'.....

Battle-Ready

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Clarity.

Perspective: (Lilith)

The last few posts have been enigmatic at best, which I'm sure is confusing to you, the reader.

Those posts were a response to the frustration over someone we became involved with.

Over the course of the past few months we met a gorgeous hippy chick with a wonderful personality.

We've been hitting it off amazingly well, with the attraction being equal on all fronts.

Our interests seemed extremely similar in the aspect that we all appreciate all forms of art, but more specifically, belly dancing, fire spinning, silk dancing, body modifications, and so on and so forth.

We spent many nights together talking for hours on end about our past, present, and future dreams.

We invested a lot into this woman.

However, while we have both been equally smitten with her, there seems to be a high degree of confusion.

As stated above, our developing relationship felt heavenly, however, there seemed to be a growing amount of hesitation radiating from her. Once we inquired as to the hesitation, we were told that she feels afraid to be involved with such loving people, for she has only ever experienced severe emotional neglect within her past relationships.

Now, emotions are complex, therefore I can understand her experiencing fear that we are too good to be true, however, I cannot understand not making the conscious decision to liberate herself from a fear based reality.

Soon after we were told this she was finally honest about the root of the problem.
Apparently her ex boyfriend was beginning to come back into the picture, of which she expressed she had no interest in resuming a relationship with because of his emotional neglect toward her.

Oh and... I might add one extremely important fact... he doesn't support the polyamorous lifestyle.

Ouch.

Well, she eventually made a decision that she needed to choose between being with XenitH and I, or her ex boyfriend.

The result?

She made a decision to resume a relationship with her ex.

The familiar, no matter how painful, is what humans tend to gravitate toward.

We are, as a species, afraid of our own personal evolution, as well as the collective. This is all a product of our social conditioning.

After this upset, she expressed she still desires us as friends, which given how high we hold her, we accepted, for losing friends is never enjoyable.

At this point, however, she seems to be playing head games...

Is it worth the frustration, heartache, and the overall risk to our wellbeing, which would compromise our purpose in life, our activism?

Hooked and Strung-Out

Perspective: (XenitH)

Nine-O-Clock on the third night since we last spoke. I find it interesting that despite the moderate emotional exposure, regardless of lacking physicality and nonexistant promises beneath stars or sheets, we can miss you so. A magnetic lure brought us in, even through the digital dimensions of which we first "met". Your electric energy with a delectable ecstatic sting.

Perhaps it is more than that.

Subtle metaphysical and karmic addictions?

Once the three connect to make One, the bond cannot be safely severed.

Nothing short of depravity shall follow in the wake.

Though to question myself, as I frequently do; I stumble across plausibilities of a different sort. Might I be just lonely enough, and might it be just damp enough outside, and might I be so infatuated with the concept that I ignorantly blind myself?

Is this simply a false sense of absence?

Once again my active "What If's" leave me lonlier than before.

Cards Lay Face Up.

Perspective: (XenitH)



She has brought more options to my life than she can ever comprehend. M the Muse, 'tis what I shall refer to her as hence forth. M with her grace, tact, lucidity. I speak not of love, lust, or passion for that matter. I must confess, she does have a way of stimulating my diverse and rarely penetrated pallet of acquired tastes. What I speak of is longer lasting than a night of passion, more finite than a romp in the sack, more effective than a long-term relationship. What she presents to me in such a subliminal manner is a variant path to my existence, in such a delectable way.



Perhaps I am not the most grounded individual on this plane, but I do pride myself for having more than average direction. Until recently, only activism of the socio-political assortment was my acquired taste. My self-indulgent, flamboyant side spoke loudly, and I listened to its many facets luring me into paths of the more exciting and entertaining variety. Table-top gaming has been a shimmering stone in this labryinthine cavern as of late. To use my mental gusto and create dimensions of debauchery and unthinkable acts, to create with my dark desires worlds of political intrigue and intracy never to be unraveled, to connect with players lured into my web of intricacy. The smoke, the allure, the tension, the blood-lust of imaginative adventures within the Masquerade. The Vampiric Kiss has been a lust of late, but then it all changed.



This brings me to her flight. The dance with silky seductions. A ballet of sorts, a kiss of subtle softness. Her dreadlocks flailing in the air, as her calm facade becomes engulfed by the changing of G's and its gravitational pull of danger. Can I see myself performing such a blatant yet subtle dance? Surely. Should I partake in such a thirst for mischief? Oh what a gift of mortality. To dedicate time and mortal vitality to the thrill of heights and agility! Why must you taunt me with an addiction of thrill and tumultuous gut-wrenching intrigue? Testing the fabric of my being behind the usual capacity. To boldly use the body part of my being, instead of the intellectual in such a disposable yet gracefully confident manner. Flying high above the ground, a fabric of solidity as if it were a beckoning cloud.



There is but one sensation of danger mixed with sensuality I can see residing in the flying grace's place. Include the absence of gravity Silk Dancing brings about, but misplace the subtle softness. Instead superimpose raw yet precise punctures. Gleaming metal divulging just above the surface of muscle, truly inside the fabric of my mortal being. To be suspended by shimmery hooks, gliding through the air much similar to that of a silk ballet. I can see the pricking metal entering my skin, sending waves of adrenaline throughout my entire body. The steady lifting of my mortal frame into the night air. A Euphoric state as I first partake in my largest organ holding my entire being delicately yet with such malice. Afterwards my bod-mod care-taker massages the air bubbles out of my muscles making my blood bubble, and allowing onlookers to gawk at such a spectacle. A spectacle of which I have witnessed myself, yet to be the direct cause of awe.

Does such a subculture exist here in Tucson, AZ? Truly I know not. Do I find myself resourceful enough to dig depths and find such a cult of sensory extremes, I believe so. Might I find myself imaginative and passionate enough to create such a following? Absolutely. There is no denying M will find a world as dangerous and seductive as flesh-suspension a new poison of choice. The true question resides in my own motivational muse. Furthermore, will My Love find such a path as delectable and inviting as I? Shall she embrace The Hook with the best of them, or consider me an outcast of steel and body manipulation. Should I take such a path alone, or might I find Another whom embraces my erratic and extreme nature as Love and M have thus far?

One thing is for certain, many options weigh heavy on my aspirations. To embrace the die, the silk tie, or the crimson sky? Truly the answer resides somewhere. Deep into my lucid dreams I shall dive, without direction or oxygen. Plunge without guiding gages or swim-fin. Inward I seek the motivation I pray for, to make such invigorating yet rash decisions.

Ultimately one question remains.

Will you be there for me when once the bets are set and the cards lay face-up?

Coming Out

Perspective: (Lilith)

Xenith came out to his immediately family some years ago. However, with this dynamic being completely new in my life, the thought of coming out to my family was daunting, not because I felt I wouldn't receive support, but rather because it is a difficult life decision to explain.

Recently I called my Mother simply to talk about life and the many aspects of it when I found myself feeling compelled to discuss our new relationship dynamic with my Mother. Of course, my Mother has intense intuition and called me out on the fact that I was hedging around something important.

Ah, Moms...

I hadn't prepared for this in any way shape and/or form, so my explanation started out as a rant of sorts, evolved into a civil rights discussion, and ended with a, "Mom... I'm not monogamous..."

It took a while to explain that within the context of Polyamory, the relationships created are as diverse as the people who create them, leaving the possibilities infinite.

Surprisingly enough, she expressed to me that while she chooses not to live a similar lifestyle as me, she supports XenitH and I %100.

At this point in the conversation my mouth was dropped wide open and I found myself speechless.

We laughed, joked, and bonded even deeper than before.

I must admit that I feel extremely blessed and grateful to have such a wonderful Mother in my life.

Yay!